lane would

This has become my new mantra. It’s simple, in concept. But as I allow myself to develop deeper relationships, really dig into life with people, I’m learning how difficult this principle has become for us. Shady has become our new modus operandi. I’m trying not to rant, so let me break it down.

1. We all have made a mess out of our lives.

It’s one of the few things that we all have in common. Some of us more than others, but whether it’s the list of people you’ve slept with that’s longer than you’d like for it to be, the secrets that you’ve never uttered out loud or the job you hate but have stuck with long enough for it to steal your soul but you still show up and try to smile… we all have issues. Some of us need a bellhop to handle the baggage we haul around with us every day.

2. Our culture doesn’t allow for mess.

Instinctively, we don’t let others see the real cluster of our lives. I grew up incredibly conservative. Although I’ve gotten myself into enough trouble on my own, my overly-conservative upbringing has given me a lot of the baggage that I carry with me. I can be judgmental, feel like I know it all and I have naturally awkward dating relationships (any ex-girlfriends want to testify here?).

But mostly, I have a need to be perceived as perfect. Failure is not an option, occupationally or personally. I’m certainly not the only one to feel this way, and NYC is a incubator for the hyper-driven, everything-is-under-control types. That persona is an illusion. It warps your view of yourself, your view of God, and places unnecessary and unattainable expectations on your life.

3. Technology has exponentially increased the amount of conversation that happens in secret. 

The best indicator of your character may just be the content of your texts, DM’s and Facebook messages. My inclination is to believe that every person who puts a passcode on their phone is hiding something. I’ve done it.

You can lead anyone to believe whatever you want them to believe about your life, your relationships and your integrity. But if your closest friends were to scan the messages you send in private, would you have to change your story? Do I even need to reference all of the affairs and MMS of private parts that have destroyed families and careers in the last couple of years? And those are just the ones we know about.

4. Regardless of how strong you think you are, when you cultivate the opportunity to make a bad decision (you know, that number you should’ve deleted a long time ago), there will come a low time when you will try to take advantage of it.

You think you kicked the habit. You got rid of that toxic relationship. But you never fully purged it. You let it linger. You flirt with it. You look, but don’t touch. You tell yourself how strong you are because you’re not controlled by the feelings or the urges that were once associated with it. 

And then, out of nowhere it’s back. Truthfully, it’s always been there, you just never really dealt with it.

I truly believe that there is beauty found in our mess and abundant grace for the worst f-ups. But here’s the thing… just don’t be shady. Own your own mess and do something about it. If you find yourself sneaking around, communicating in silos, and lying to your closest friends, maybe… just maybe… you should reconsider your actions and let someone in that you trust to help you become the person you’re telling them you are.

So I ranted a bit, but I’d love to hear from you.